Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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