Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
