Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
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that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
You dont lie about slip and slides
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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