dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it hurts more in the daytime
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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