god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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