you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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