I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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