Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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