Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
