I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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