I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
