i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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