My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
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You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
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He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
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