I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
