She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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