it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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