Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
True but thats because hes a fetus.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
