This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
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Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
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He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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