i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
