Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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