Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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