so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
