I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
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Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?