Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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