On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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