I wish they made helmets for livers.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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