There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
