Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
