Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
