I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
