how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
