someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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