So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
