she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
