can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
