I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
