I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just had sex on a roof
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
