Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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