Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I wish there were birth control emojis
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
