I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
