her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
