I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I need moral support for this bender
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
