I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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