wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
