I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
