So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
