I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
