I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
