I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
