How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
