It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
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