I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
