sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
