I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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