I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
