if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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